Satire AVW Newstime Comedy: Six real reasons the Board of Trustees actually voted for tuition hikes By Evan Swingle Posted on December 6, 2015 5 min read 0 0 216 With most, if not all, of the student population opposed to tuition hikes, it can’t be possible that the Board of Trustees just doesn’t care about us enough to help us out, right? So, this is a list of reasons why they ACTUALLY voted for tuition hikes. Surely it’s one of these. It has to be. 1. Their families have been taken hostage by terrorists It’s possible that a hidden cell of terrorists split up and broke into each member’s house, kidnapped their family and is now holding them at ransom. Their demands: Vote yes on tuition hikes, or they will never see their families again. It has to be something this dire. It’s the only thing that makes sense. 2. They’re lonely and the protests make them feel loved It must be hard being a member of the Board of Trustees. No one really knows who they are unless there’s some controversy going on. They go home every night and ask themselves, “Why don’t they love us?” Maybe they’re just looking for attention, even if it’s negative attention. It’s like when you were a kid and your parents weren’t paying attention to you, so you broke a lamp. At least now we’re yelling at them instead of ignoring their existence. 3. Voting “no” has grave consequences for the future Time travel makes everyone do crazy things, right? It could be that the Board of Trustees has found a way to see into the future, and in that future, voting “no” on tuition hikes causes a disaster like that of which the world has never known. Like maybe if they vote “no” on tuition hikes, some form of financial sacrifices may need to be made, like keeping the gator people living in the sewers pleased with sacrifices. Without the extra money, the gator people will rise from the sewers and take over Athens. The trustees could be protecting us from this apocalyptic nightmare. 4. They’ve been replaced by aliens Everyone knows that aliens love taking over the minds and bodies of high-ranking officials. What if these aliens have taken a special interest in Ohio University politics? It’s possible that they’ve been calling the shots since the beginning, replacing each seat of the board whenever one retires with a new vessel. Any member of the administration could be an alien. We can’t blame the real trustees for this decision. They’re suspended in goo in some pods in space. 5. Everything is opposite Maybe there was a decision made somewhere in the world that everything said means the exact opposite of the truth, but no one can tell anyone or else that statement becomes opposite and therefore paradoxical. Savvy to this new world order, the Board of Trustees actually voted “no” on tuition hikes by saying “yes”. We just didn’t know because we’re ignorant of the new law. It must be our fault. 6. Did I already mention the gator people? It’s worth mentioning again. Imagine how awful this would be. We wouldn’t even have time to worry about how little money we have. We’d be running from gators.