Home Satire AVW Newstime Comedy: Hungry Cat food truck is downright terrifying

AVW Newstime Comedy: Hungry Cat food truck is downright terrifying

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Wild rumors have been circulating campus recently about the potential dangers of West Green during spring semester. More and more students are talking about the “Hungry Cat” that will be roaming the grounds outside of Boyd Dining Hall.

“I read something about it in an email the other day,” said sophomore Aaron Burns.

“Something about this huge cat that’s gonna be there for the second half of the year. I don’t know, man. I’ll probably avoid that area entirely.”

“I heard it’s actually a real live bobcat that’s guarding the entrance to Boyd. I mean I get the whole idea of school spirit, but I go there to eat, not to be eaten. I’ll definitely be heading over to Shively or Nelson I guess.” said freshman Hannah Lester.

With such an ominous presence lurking around, most students will be making the trip over to other dining halls during spring semester, likely resulting in an even more exciting game of “Where the Hell am I Supposed to Sit?” at Shively.

The rumors have gained so much publicity that the school has planned for a CATS shuttle to run during breakfast, lunch and dinner hours. This will be an excellent way to get students to the other dining halls, provided they are not mauled by the Hungry Cat during the 15 minute intervals between shuttle trips.

A representative from West 82 Food Court has announced that they will have extended hours to make things more convenient for students.

“It’s gonna be a pain going all the way to Shively or Nelson especially when it gets cold and icy outside. I’m glad West 82 will be open longer,” mentioned sophomore Ken Briggs. “I mean the shuttle is great but I’m not about to wait around like catnip while that carnivorous beast sizes me up. I mean why is everyone calling it a ‘Hungry Cat’ anyway? Is it just starving all the time? That’s terrifying.”

There are some other conspiracies going around about the possibility of the cat being reasonable. Some animal rights activists especially have been trying to encourage students to visit the cat when it makes its appearance.

Senior Felicity Parks believes the cat just wants to make new friends, “I heard if you scratch behind his ears and slip him some Bobcat Cash he’ll give you a sandwich.”

Only time will tell.

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