Elections Politics Satire AVWNewsttime: OU’s Student Senate Elections Voters’ Guide 2015 (sponsored by GURU2) By Joe Kalavity Posted on April 13, 2015 13 min read 0 0 284 It’s that time of the year again, Bobcats! Last week officially kicked off the 2015 Student Senate race, and this year sees a record number of parties. Here are the stats for the race thus far: Number of parties running: 16 Total number of candidates (Presidential, Vice, etc.): 243 Number of unique platforms: Like 2. Incumbent party: BARE Projected voter turnout (percentage of student body): 2% Poll: Spectator picks after Debate 3: – Student Nation: 10 % – BARE: 10 % – Phoenix: 30 % – GURU: 8 % – SOS: 9.5 % – TIME*: 9% – TIME Magazine: 10 % – Great Lakes Brewing Co.: 3 % – Gym Rats: 5 % – SPOON: 3% – ANUS: 2 % – The 1%: 1 % – Barq’s Root Beer: 4 % – LinkedIn: 3 % – XXXXX ??? – Drugs Disqualified *withdrawn, but somehow still a voter favorite. This is of course a very important race as it will ultimately decide whether a lot gets done next year or a lot of nothing gets done next year. But with so many choices, it can be hard to distinguish between the different viewpoints and choose which party you would most like to see arrested for various public disturbances – which is why we created this helpful guide! Below are some quick blurbs about the front-runners to help you decide who will best represent your interests. Who’s got your vote? Note: We have only received *express permission* from one party to use their promotional pictures. BARE (picture of naked people here) Who are they? In case you missed the blatantly calculated pre-campaign advertisement event that was the Bat Rally, and you have no idea who is running for this ticket, BARE is comprised of members of the Student Union, who took the Senate by storm in last year’s election, then under the title of Restart. Their Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates, respectively, are Ryant Taylor and Olivia Wallace. What is their platform? BARE has pledged to continue rallying and protesting against a corrupt OU administration, though some have wondered why they need to be elected to Senate to do that. They’ve stood out in the last week or so as the most conservative party on the ticket, with a goal to keep Student Senate a Student Union-run organization. As conservatives, they stand firmly opposed to any kind of change within Senate. If you consider yourself progressively-minded, BARE might not be the ticket for you. Notable Quotable: “I just don’t think all the science is in on climate change.” – Ryant Taylor SOS (picture of clothed people here) Who are they? Presidential candidate Gabby Bacha and vice presidential candidate Jared Ohnsman run on this ticket. Many have found the story of SOS inspiring, in that it has inspired them to stay inside until the election is over to avoid chalk inhalation. With long family histories in the Navy, both Gabby and Jared were raised to speak in creatively embellished variations of Morse code, the history of which would eventually inspire their party’s evocative name. What is their platform? SOS has pledged to put aside the political opinions of its candidates to allow it to better serve the students, which is sort of like if an actual politician were to respond to the question, “Are you a Democrat or a Republican?” with “Ahh, don’t worry about it.” Notable Quotable: “Snip snip, kitch kitch, AIYEEEEEE.” – Jared Ohnsman Student Nation (also clothed) Who are they? Ben Mathes is your presidential candidate for Student Nation, with Ellenore Holbrook running as VP. You may recognize Ben as the shady character from the parking garage who gave you all the dirt on Phoenix to use in your voter guide. What is their platform? I don’t know, but just wait ‘till you hear the shit the Phoenix people have done. Notable Quotable: “Psst. Hey. It’s me, Student Nation presidential candidate Ben Mathes, behind the blue Honda.” – Ben Mathes Phoenix (seriously, BARE, just put on some clothes) Who are they? Running with Phoenix, fictional mob character Tony Piccioni seeks the Student Senate Presidency for the 2015-2016 school year, with Emily Ginty as his vice president. The candidates for Phoenix say they chose their powerful name as an acknowledgement of the fact that no matter how many times Senate starts anew, it will invariably end in fire and death. VOTERS BEWARE: We have been informed from an undisclosed source that Phoenix… wait, what? Phoenix faked the Zimmerman telegram? That doesn’t sound right. That was a long time ago. No way they could have had anything to do with that… This is strange. What? Okay, I’ll be honest, if I had known this was all Student Nation had on Phoenix… I mean when they gave me the envelope, I just kind of took their word that it was legit and maybe I got carried away? I guess in retrospect I was probably a little too excited to think about the situation, but this is nevertheless embarrassing. What is their platform? Honestly, I have no idea. Damn. And now that I think about it, I don’t even know what Student Nation’s platform is either. Let me look into this. Notable Quotable: “We are solely responsible for the U.S. entry into World War–” Wait no, this is not a correct quote. Just hold on. GURU Who are they? In a campaign entirely funded by James Steed, creator of failed dating app, GURU, the Gentlemen United for Relative Unity is tentatively made up of presidential candidate/heir to the Steed fortune Teppil Steed, along with VP candidate Dillon Wadsworth. Ironically, GURU is the only party allowing us to use their promotional pictures, despite having their Photoshop skills widely called into question since the beginning of campaign season. The candidates of GURU entered the race for the first time this year, after mixed feelings about whether or not to run immobilized them in 2014. What is their platform? GURU stands indefinitely behind an ideal of student development and/or empowerment, whichever sounds better. They have (irresolutely) stated that they support possibly slightly higher wages for student workers, but haven’t come to a full agreement with all of the members – they have also stressed that they may or may not prefer to just leave things as they are. Most importantly, however, they have been 100 percent ambivalent about tuition hikes, more or less. Notable Quotable: “We’ll see.” – Dillon Wadsworth Student Nation Okay, I was not able to get in touch with the Student Nation people again, but SOS generously agreed to fill me in on what S.N. is all about. We’re good. Who are they REALLY? According to UNDISCLOSED SOURCES, Ben Mathes is a self-described “booty man” with — wait no that isn’t right either. Jesus. …… I give up. I’m done. What is their platform? I don’t know, probably the same as the rest of them. I really don’t care anymore. F*ck it, here’s your Notable Quotable: “I am not, nor have I ever been, a booty man. SIIIKE” – Ben Mathes Conclusion: Who should you vote for? Honestly, just take your pick. McDavis doesn’t give a sh*t who tells him tuition is too high, so save yourself some trouble and just vote for the party with the cooler name (sorry, BARE) (sorry, Student Nation) (Sorry, SOS) (Sorry, others) (Phoenix……. nicee). God, I can’t wait till this is over with. This Voters’ Guide has been brought to you by Guru2 (now in beta) Guru2 – We’ll make them love you.