Home Satire AVW Newstime Comedy: Tips for surviving tornado season this year

AVW Newstime Comedy: Tips for surviving tornado season this year

5 min read

As we college students know, tornadoes can be a real boner-killer. Unfortunately, many people remain in the dark about what course of action to take in the event of a tornado. One study of victims of tornado thrashings revealed that of the five subjects surveyed, zero percent knew what to do in the event of a tornado. We at Newstime need our viewers alive, so we’ve compiled a list of helpful tips and warnings about tornadoes.

The first step you must take to avoid tornadoes is to prevent them from happening at all. THIS IS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF EVERYONE. What measures can be taken to keep those pesky whirlwinds of destruction from forming?

  • Avoid adjusting air conditioning unit too fast. We all love to walk into a nice, refreshing, artificially thermo-regulated room on a hot spring day. But with the luxury of A/C, we all run a higher risk of causing massive tornadoes. When you change temperature quickly, the air becomes depressurized. This is bad news if you fancy your sweet 10 feet by 12 feet dorm room. Instead, you should allow the air to slowly depressurize; only turn the temperature down one degree per hour.
  • Obey the government. It is a well-known fact that the federal government can control the weather. Keep this in mind the next time you’re about to spout off your obnoxiously sarcastic gratitude toward President Barack Obama.
  • Listen to smooth jazz and smooth jazz only. No one can be mad while listening to the infectiously relaxing stylings of Billie Holiday – not even Mom Nature. Here’s a great place to start.

“Help! I suck at following directions and now there’s a tornado!” No one ever listens, but we love you anyway. Here are some survival tips:

  • Listen. Often times, tornado survivors report a loud, rumbling sound like a freight train approaching when a tornado is nearby. If you hear what sounds like a freight train, there’s a 50 percent chance it’s a tornado (the other 50 percent being the possibility that it is an actual freight train, in which case, move your car).
  • Get away from the windows. You don’t want to know the humiliation of having your neighbors see you soil yourself at the sight of a tornado.
  • Move all of your heaviest belongings to the attic. If the tornado can’t rip away the top floor of your house or building, it can’t get to you. Weigh that shi*t down.
  • Huddle in the northeast corner of the basement. This simple trick will do wonders by making you think you’re actually safer than you’d be in any other corner.
  • Once it passes, apply for tornado insurance immediately. It’s worth a shot, and you may be able to get away with it.

Congratulations! You are now thoroughly prepared for wind-based natural disaster! Now your friends and family won’t find you unconscious in a field somewhere moaning about a tin man.

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