Home Satire AVW Newstime Comedy: Pennies for your thoughts and bags and stuff

AVW Newstime Comedy: Pennies for your thoughts and bags and stuff

3 min read

It’s only a month into the school year, and even freshmen at Ohio University know that Saturdays in the Campus Markets are hectic, as students flock to Nelson and Boyd to spend their week’s remaining meals before the doors close and unused swipes disappear into the abyss.

“I bought five bags of beef jerky last week just so my meals wouldn’t go to waste. I don’t even eat jerky,” one student said.
As one of the more environmentally friendly universities in the country, OU’s administration has decided that the amount of bags used and discarded by the swarms of money sponges is unacceptable. This has prompted them to implement a new, innovative plan to minimize the damage done on the environment by these habits and maintain its “green” status. Campus markets now charge students one extra cent for each bag they use.

The administration hopes this will deter students from using the traditional plastic bags and promote use of their eco friendly reusable bags. Some might say this plan is “doomed to fail”, or “arbitrary”; perhaps even “stupid”. Said people may point out the fact that Market-goers usually come up short of the $6.25 increments by which the meals are set, and an extra penny wouldn’t make a difference, seeing as how they’re already being cheated out of 10 or 20 cents per Market visit, on TOP of the 6 dollars they just paid for a box of Reeses’ Puffs.

One OU official says, “If you want to continue using plastic bags, that’s fine, as all pennies made from this new tax will go toward a ‘green’ fund.” Nelson could generate a couple hundred dollars per month for this fund, leading none to believe that the initiative is just a PR stunt. “We could plant like, 7 trees this year.”
When asked about his feelings on the initiative, President McDavis smiled coyly and said, “More trees means more treehouses,” with a wink. He then became very stern as though regretting saying too much, and left without any other comments.

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