Home Satire AVW Newstime Comedy: Do you have a heart? McDavis needs it.

AVW Newstime Comedy: Do you have a heart? McDavis needs it.

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If you have been following the news, you have probably seen this: a massive bonus going to the McDavis household for the second year in a row. McDavis’s yearly salary will increase about 3 percent to $427,000 annually.

There is really only one explanation for the money: Roderick and his wife, Deborah, are clearly hurting financially. It makes sense! Anytime I tell my mom that I am running low on money, she tells me that she would love to give me all of the money she earns but that the rising cost of my college education and the looming prospects for my siblings prevent her from being able to help me the way she wants. I tell her I understand as I wipe away her tears.

Imagine the Board of Trustees is a working mother (hard when only 4 out of the 11 are women but what are you going to do?) and I am McDavis: The Board of Trustees has the ability to give their “son” the life he wants and he needs help to get there. But it isn’t enough. No mother should have to tell her son that his bonus will be only $62,250. This has been a problem for years and we knew we had to do something.

Newstime is proud to announce that we will be partnering with the Ohio University Student Union in an effort to get McDavis that money he needs to carry on. You may know the Student Union for their angsty fliers and tuition hike protests, but they are a charitable organization at heart and they know that McDavis is the man truly in need. They contacted us, we contacted them, meetings were set, people were seen, tears were shed, promises were made, hands were shaken and we finally agreed upon a solution.

You see, all of us here have a massive amount of money attached to our names. No, I’m not talking about spending money or bank accounts or college funds; I am talking, of course, about our student debt. Every year, students rack up more and more of it through loans, both private and public, and we are calling for all of the students on campus to pledge that student debt not to any collection agency, but Roderick McDavis himself. The loan companies don’t need it: they are swimming in money, loaning and profiting off of students all over America. Our money must go to our fearless, destitute leader.

Friends, we will be holding a telethon exactly one week from today called #SaveMcDavis. We want the whole campus to get into it: it will be live streamed on the Internet for two hours, from 7-9 PM on September 18th. We want you to pledge your debt to our President so we can put together millions of dollars and end his suffering. Share this article, tweet at us with hashtag #SaveMcDavis, and let’s start putting our money where our mouths are.

 

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