Home Satire AVW Newstime Comedy: Student Senate gives President McDavis emergency powers

AVW Newstime Comedy: Student Senate gives President McDavis emergency powers

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President Roderick McDavis, in a speech at the Convocation Center Sunday night, was unanimously given “emergency powers” by the elected student representatives. Originally proposed by junior “Outdoor Recreation” major and long-time McDavis supporter J.J. Binques, the proposal now in effect as Official Senate Order 66 called for the President to be given absolute control over the university in order to “handle the problem of too much construction around campus.”

The proposal was met with thunderous applause.

President McDavis took the stage after the vote was cast (by a bylaw that counts a standing ovation as an undisputed “yes” vote) to ease the minds of any Senate member still uncertain about handing over the rights of every student that had voted for them.

“I love democracy,” McDavis started. “I love the University. The power you give me, I will lay down when this crisis has abated!”

The members of the Student Senate were ecstatic. Senior Dewey Bronk told reporters, “This is truly a great day for the University as a whole,” and Junior Jeannie Hanook declared, “Finally, something will get done!” Questions about the potential danger of the newly christened Supreme Chancellor abusing his absolute control were met with words like “preposterous” and “fantastical.”

Members of the Student Senate were shocked when Supreme Chancellor McDavis made use of his new powers the very next day to call them all to an emergency meeting. The 64-year-old McDavis hobbled up to the podium and removed the hood of his customary robes to reveal bruises and cuts on his face. Amidst the gasps and whispers of the Senators, he explained that he had had gotten into a car crash due to the construction on Park Place. “The attempt on my life has left me scarred and deformed,” the Supreme Chancellor stated, “but I swear, my resolve has never been stronger!”

The Senators immediately responded with a standing ovation. Senior Patty Amidala, who remained seated as she had the day before, said that she heard cries of, “Protect us!” coming from her fellow Senators. “They were calling on the man they had already made Supreme Chancellor to take even more power so they could feel safer about the construction,” Patty said.

When the applause had died down, the 5’5” McDavis laid out his plan for the future. “In order to ensure the security and continuing stability, the University will be reorganized into the first Collegiate Empire!”

While the applause following the unopposed thievery of basic human rights by the same man who has wasted incredible sums of money on the perpetually in development multi-purpose center was deafening, a source close to the podium said that they heard Emperor McDavis mutter under his breath “And once more, the Sith shall rule Athens.”

 

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