Home Politics AVW Newstime Comedy: Outrage over Lincoln’s targeting of American citizens

AVW Newstime Comedy: Outrage over Lincoln’s targeting of American citizens

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WASHINGTON – Officials and human rights activists are shocked by the revelation that President Abraham Lincoln and his military have been responsible for the killing of literally thousands of American citizens over the past three years. The Lincoln administration maintains that these Americans are enemy combatants, having allied themselves with an organization known as the “Confederate States of America,” or CSA.

“I’m appalled that President Lincoln would violate the constitutional rights of American citizens in this way,” wrote CSA president Jefferson Davis in a telegram. “I’m not surprised, however. The whole reason for the creation of CSA is to stop the trampling of Lincoln’s government all over the rights of Americans. Well, the rights of some Americans. A very specific group of Americans.”

According to documents obtained from the Justice Department, the requirements for an American citizen to be targeted by the Union Army include “being a member of the CSA or associated force” and/or “shooting at us.”

“The ‘shooting at us’ part is the big one,” says Union General Ulysses S. Grant. “We really don’t care for being shot at.”

One source of concern for officials and activists alike is the new technology being employed by the Lincoln administration in an effort to combat the CSA. One such technology is known as the “ironclad warship;” a steam-powered vessel protected from enemy fire by metal armor. Union Navy ironclads have been deployed against the enemy since October of 1861.

“The use of these impervious killing machines really raises questions about the morality and inhumanity of war,” says activist Joshua O’Connor. “In a way that the previous centuries of bloody fighting between nations somehow did not.”

O’Connor operates the activist service “Ironcladstagram” which sends out telegrams documenting each and every ironclad attack in the South.

When asked about the use of ironclads, General Grant was confident in their effectiveness. “The ironclads have done a fantastic job of reducing enemy forces,” said Grant. “Also, disease. The camp diseases have gone a long way in reducing enemy forces. And the lack of food. Really, war is pretty terrible either way.”

This article was written by Jesse Bethea. Follow Newstime on Twitter: @AVWNewstime

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