Home Politics AVW Newstime Comedy: Congratulations President Obama! (Read as: Congratulations Liberal Media)

AVW Newstime Comedy: Congratulations President Obama! (Read as: Congratulations Liberal Media)

7 min read

In last night’s election, President Obama handily dispatched challenger Mitt Romney.  Obama has officially tallied over 300 electoral votes and has the potential to garner over 330 votes.  He currently possesses 2.5 million votes over Mitt Romney in the popular vote as of press time.  How did Obama achieve such a victory, you may ask?  Some are crediting the victory to the success of the auto bailout while some networks credit Medicare policies.  Still others believe that social media played the pivotal role in deciding this election.

All of these claims are valid, but they are missing Obama’s greatest ally of all:  me.  Or, should I say, us.  I made this election happen with all of my radical friends in the liberal media right there with me.  We did it.  May all marriages be gay, all abortions mandatory, and all birth control be paid for by the middle class solely to eliminate the consequences of our sexual deviance.  And there’s plenty of sexual deviance, ya’ll.  Don’t believe that we helped, as one Twitter user told us, “push the country to Hell” (real quote) via our liberal bias?  Fox News was thankfully there to condemn and document our success.  Did Newstime personally contribute to Fox News columnist Rich Noyes’s “Five ways the mainstream media tipped the scales in favor of Obama”?

Yes, guilty as charged.  Newstime writers meetings were spent specifically searching for Romney gaffes.  And there were so many gaffes we blew out of proportion!  Like when Romney said that 47% of people are too dependent on the government for life to consider as humans.  Or when he awkwarded out the entire Middle East.  Or when he said the corporations were people because the money they make goes to people.  Or when he didn’t get planes (He was joking. Still funny.)  Or when he said Britain wasn’t ready for the Olympics.

I cannot communicate to all of you how satisfying it is to disenfranchise the masses of conservatives that dominate our country with our weapons called “facts” and “gaffes” and “strange moments where Romney might be an alien.”  While voters for Obama pat themselves on the back, feel connected to the success of their President, and like their President’s online activity by the millions, all I can do is sit back and smile knowing that I was part of the machine that manipulated them into believing their beliefs.

The fine folks at ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN must be grinning those same grins, sending thank you cards to the ghost of Karl Marx that provided all of our organizations with most of our leads.  They are probably high fiving one another for calling Ohio early in a move that most certainly effected results from polls that had been closed for hours.  We laugh deeply at all of the media coverage we skewed just to keep the totally relatable and undisputed winner Mitt Romney from achieving the insane momentum from his thrilled base of people (who tried to oust him with Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich at our behest).

The Obama slogan for this election was “Forward” but, to be honest we preferred the 2008 slogan: “Yes We Can Skew The Election Results Through Typical Liberal Drivel Designed At Electing The Illegitimate President Of The United States To Another Illegitimate Four Years.”  It was something like that, I remember.

But take comfort, Mitt.  You didn’t lose the election because you are unlikable and your policies are backward; you lost because of the liberal media.  And if the Republican Party just keeps that in mind, they can avoid that uncomfortable moment when they have to revise their policies to fit a modern world with empowered homosexuals, minorities and women.  God only knows we’re to blame for that world, too.

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