Satire

AVW Newstime Comedy: New Boyd is a Campus Monstrosity

By Emily Delaney

With the removal of the West Green food truck this semester came the opening of “New Boyd,” a freshly renovated dining hall complete with restaurant-style seating and some of the healthiest options around. Although it may seem like a perfect match for hungry students, thousands of Bobcats are angrier than ever before.

“I just think it’s careless,” said sophomore Bill Thomas. “If the administration thinks they’re doing me a favor by making a dining hall with more comfortable chairs, they are seriously mistaken. I don’t want better seating, okay? This whole dining hall thing just seems selfish if you ask me. It’s all a sham.”

While the establishment does have an outlandish amount of seating, it is not the only thing upsetting visitors. The unique food options served are causing so much distress among students that several freshmen have chosen to lay down on the floor while in line rather than make a decision at the counter.

“Seriously? Do they really think they can get away with creating an ‘International’ section to eat at? I don’t want that. I don’t want any of it! I don’t know what naan bread is and, frankly, I don’t ever want to. Just give me a cheeseburger or some frickin’ chicken nuggets,” cried Julia Ritchie, an angry freshman.

Her roommate immediately backed her up, shouting, “My mom never told me that college was going to be like this! I thought there was going to be pizza!” before bursting into tears.

Even the “healthy eaters” can’t stand the sight of the food offered. Though they are bothered by every single one of the options available to them now, the tip of the iceberg is the new sandwich station. This section of the dining hall offers a special vegetarian selection every day of the week plus customizable vegetable, cheese and grain options.

“It’s total bullsh*t,” said Kristen Siegel, a sophomore and a vegetarian. She later claimed that she was perfectly fine with the mostly edible tofu that was available every second Tuesday after the full moon during the months that begin with Y.

What’s more is that Boyd Dining Hall no longer bears its original name. For no apparent reason, it’s now being called the West Green Market District. This unsettling switch has left students panicking left and right.

Some have become so confused by the name change that they are quickly getting lost in their quest to find the elusive dining hall, only to be infuriated upon arrival. Others have gotten so distracted by the waterfall placed in the foyer that they have simply fallen in. As a result, the majority of the student body has been walking out the front door soaking wet and hungrier than ever.

How do you feel about “New Boyd?” Tweet @AVWNewstime with your opinions on the new dining hall.

About the author

AVW Newstime

Leave a Comment