Satire

AVW Newstime Comedy: Waka Flocka Flame lost In Alden Library stacks

Athens – Last weekend, rap artist Waka Flocka Flame visited Ohio University for a concert. Oftentimes, artists such as Mr. Flame will spend the day before their performance enjoying on-campus activities, such as playing basketball or partying with students. However, Mr. Flame was nowhere to be found.

All day Saturday, students attempted to search for Waka Flocka on campus or at parties. When they couldn’t find him, they took to Twitter with the hashtag #WheresWaka. After hours of searching, one student tweeted seeing him at Alden Library.

“I took the elevator up to the stacks with him,” stated Brian Hewitt, a sophomore studying English. “I was going up to write a paper when he asked me to hold the door, stepped in, thanked me, and mentioned something about catching up on The Grapes of Wrath before his concert.”

Other students also mentioned seeing Waka Flocka sitting at one of the desks on the seventh floor.

“I asked him if he wanted to study together,” said Trianna Fisher, a freshman. “He said really politely, ‘No thank you. I’ve got 100 pages to read before I gotta do this kick-ass show, you feel me?’”

Hope Davis mentioned that she left the library wondering why he was still there. “He was still sitting there, intently reading Steinbeck. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a classic, but it was 6:45 and he hadn’t moved in hours,” she stated.

As the time for the artist’s performance grew nearer, students remember seeing him pacing back and forth around the stacks, though some stated that they just assumed he was just taking a look around.

However, when the artist never appeared for his performance at MemAud later that evening, students began to wonder if, like many first years, Flame had become yet another victim of the notorious maze of bookshelves in the library’s stacks.

By the time the concert was supposed to have ended, the seventh floor of the library was closed, making it impossible to send a search party. Janitors reported hearing sobbing coming from somewhere in the stacks, but could not trace the origin of the sound, and gave up after their shifts ended.

Waka Flocka Flame is still said to be wandering the stacks of Alden Library, unable to escape its eternal labyrinth. While some weep for the loss of such a talented artist, sources confirm it was still a pretty decent sibs weekend.

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Evan Swingle

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