Satire

AVW Newstime Comedy: The President who cried bat

Photo courtesy of Flickr user Ohio University Libraries
Written by Emily Delaney

After a recent “invasion” of President Roderick McDavis’ home, the McDavises have temporarily relocated from their residence at Park Place. While it was reported that the invasion was one of bats, some students have been raising eyebrows.

“Invasion? The only thing that’s been invading this campus lately is a whole lotta ice and winds that rip through my soul. Is anyone noticing the timing here? Where are these ‘bats’? I’d love to see one.” said freshman Hannah Summers before labeling McDavis, “The President Who Cried Bats.”

Though he is contractually obligated to live on campus, many students have speculated McDavis is using the excuse of bats to escape the frigid conditions. With record breaking low temperatures in Ohio, this idea has quickly spread throughout the student body.

“It’s no wonder the University was open last Friday,” mentioned a particularly irritated sophomore, Christina Michaels. “McDavis’ nose wasn’t falling off on his way to physics. I’m sure he could still feel his fingers when he stepped outside for more than thirty seconds because he’s probably in the Florida Keys right now. Have you seen him around lately? ‘Cause I haven’t!” Christina also mentioned that her brand new boots are now stained with both the salt that lines the streets and from her incessant tears.

“Sure, he’s telling us the ice is fine as long as we ‘walk like penguins.’ I’ll bet you he’s walking down the beach in his Hawaiian swimming trunks right now,” said sophomore Kevin Mitchell after slipping on the bricks while walking through College Green, spilling his coffee all over his scarf and cursing the ice gods.

While the school closed down Feb. 19, many students pointed out conditions were much worse the following day. The weather has even been so severe that the most convenient food source for West Green students, the Hungry Bobcat, has been closed down for several days.

“He’s over on the Pacific Coast like, ‘Hey let’s keep the University open but we’ll shut down the food truck!’ So now, I’m over here eating the week old crumbs off of my floor for dinner and I’ll bet he’s chowing down on lobster at some seaside café,” said an exasperated, hungry-looking freshman.

While McDavis may very well be sipping a piña colada or boogie boarding under the sun, Ohio University students march on through the snow, slush and ever menacing ice patches. Students are advised to keep their chins up, and covered with thick, woolen ski masks.

About the author

Emily Delaney

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