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AVW Newstime Comedy: Student Union launches Senate ticket at last-ditch effort for relevancy this year

File photo by Olivia Miltner
Written by AVW Newstime

AthensIn an effort to salvage a disappointing year in student activism, the Ohio University Student Union has launched a last-minute Student Senate ticket to gain back the any sort of relevance they once had.

“Given that we were absolutely nowhere when tuition was increased, when a serial rapist in Athens was reported and when Black Lives Matter displays were defaced, we at Student Union believe this is the last thing we can do to make people remember us,” said Scott Bagwell, the presidential candidate of the new ticket.

The ticket, entitled “The Red Square People, Remember?” includes a platform of ceasing all tuition increases, ending rape culture on campus and trying out that General Assembly thing again. The platform stresses that the ticket isn’t just about getting elected but “creating a movement where Ohio University students can recall how we got ourselves arrested a few times in years past through the activism we once did.”

When word got around that the Student Union would be launching a Senate ticket, newsrooms across Athens unanimously cheered.

“I’m just so happy that we finally have something newsworthy to cover,” said Courtney Higgins, an editor at OU’s student newspaper The Post, while uncorking a bottle of champagne for the newsroom. “We’ve basically had to start creating promotional videos for fest season because there was nothing else worth covering. I’m just happy that we have Student Union back to tell us what to cover.”

Both UNITE presidential candidate Hannah Clouser and Impact presidential candidate Jordan Kelley have agreed to welcome “The Red Square People, Remember?” into the Senate campaign as long as they don’t bring up the topics of the increasing unaffordability of a college education and unstable student worker environments.

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