Satire

AVW Newstime Comedy: President McDavis holds door open for board trustee, gets huge bonus

Athens – Bill Hilyard of Ohio University’s Board of Trustees reports that President Roderick McDavis, who was walking with him to brunch this past Sunday, opened the door to the café and allowed Hilyard to go in first.

“He just stepped ahead a pace and opened the door for me. It was the most courteous gesture!” At this point, Hilyard reportedly pulled out his checkbook and started hastily scribbling six-digit numbers all over it. “It’s just like, what a guy! You know?”

During brunch, Hilyard is reported to have sent out a group text to the other trustees, letting them know what had just occurred. Keith Wilbur replied, “NICE!!”, followed by David Wolfort’s, “McDDDDD!! He’s da boooooombbb [bomb emoji].”

Wolfort later said that he can’t think of anyone more deserving of ridiculous amounts of money.

“He’s always doing stuff like this. That’s just the kind of guy he is!” Wolfort then received a text. “Oh, gotta peace [sic]. RodMan’s meeting us at T-Bell for dinner.”

Trustee Peggy Viehweger agrees. “He totally remembered my birthday last month, so when his raise went up for vote at the meeting, I was like, ‘Heck yeah!’”

Board Chair Sandra Anderson says she used to be skeptical about his pay raises and bonus checks. “I thought maybe giving him a raise every year is a little bit excessive, and the bonus checks might be slightly gratuitous, but I heard he’s bringing donuts to the next meeting!”

When reached for comment, President McDavis, while holding a box of donuts, said, “This is the essence of Ohio University. Doors opening and… wait. I open doors for my colleagues, just as this institution – uh, this FINE institution aims to open doors for… thousands of eager young minds, thirsting for knowledge. Yeah, that sounds good. Use that.”

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Joe Kalavity

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