Satire

AVW Newstime Comedy: OU tour guide desperately tries to direct tourist attention away from the giant sea monster living on South Green

Athens – Over the last couple of weeks, Ohio University tour guide Tyler Rainhart says that he has had to improvise his tours to avoid the massive aquatic demon that has taken up residence in the construction site on South Green. “It’s been a real pain in the a**,” Tyler reports.

Estimated at over 100 feet tall, the enormous, multi-headed monster, known in mythology as a “hydra,” that has made one of OU’s future residence halls its new home, has caused somewhat of a disturbance among students.

“It ate my roommate!” complains Freshman Jimmy Cooper.

One construction worker comments, “This is definitely going to delay the completion date for the new South Green.”

“It’s so ugly,” says Adams Hall Resident Erin Porter. “I have to see it outside my window everyday and now it’s going to take them even longer to finish building it? It’s just bullsh**.”

“Right in front of me! It just lunged forward and swallowed him whole!”

Tyler, however, has arguably been the most affected by the leviathan’s presence, as he says it has made his job of persuading students to come to OU more difficult, forcing him to reroute his tours so the small groups of prospective OU applicants and their parents don’t see or hear the ferocious mythical beast during their visits to the campus. “I want to show them the sand volleyball court on South Beach, all the students out and about, Ping… but that damn serpent monster won’t go away.” Tyler sighs in frustration. “I can’t even take them to lunch at Shively or Nelson. We have to go to f*cking Boyd.”

Tyler is at the head of one group, in the middle of an overview of Gordy Hall, when two students pass by.

“Have you seen the fangs on that thing?!”

Tyler raises his voice in an attempt to drown out their conversation. “I ACTUALLY JUST FINISHED MY LANGUAGE CREDIT LAST SEMESTER…” Some parents share confused looks.

As they make their way toward Morton Hill, a terrible, hair-raising roar emanates from South Green. The group is visibly alarmed. “You know, let’s take a walk up this street here, I can show you guys the Brown House.” He steers them up University Terrace.

At Jeff Hill, a bloodcurdling scream is heard in the distance. Tyler plays it down. “Oh, that must be our Quidditch team. They get really into it,” he says. “But wow, just look at how steep this hill is!”

At the end of the tour, Tyler sends the group off and thanks them for visiting. The visitors depart, murmuring amongst themselves.

When the group is out of earshot, Tyler comments, “What a nightmare. I want a raise.”

Many worry they’ll be dealing with the creature for quite some time, as it has shown no signs of leaving anytime soon. In fact, some claim they’ve seen eggs. “I’ve seen eggs,” says one student.

Despite the unrest it has caused students living in residence halls in the vicinity of the construction site, University officials have maintained that regular students must still reside on campus for the first two years of enrollment.

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Joe Kalavity

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