Satire

AVW Newstime Comedy: OU student claims evidence of ROTC conspiracy

Photo courtesy of kgregfiala via Flickr
Written by AVW Newstime

By Courtney Schaefer

Athens – In a scandal as big as Watergate, suspicion begins to grow around the Ohio University ROTC group and their motivations here in Athens. Although most think ROTC stands for Reserve Officers’ Training Corps, we at Newstime have reason to believe a more fitting title is the Region of Traitor Conspirators.

What first drew our investigators onto their scent was an event held on Aug. 29, when the ROTC repelled down Lindley Hall and invited students to do the same.

Was this simply an exercise for the group? A fun way to get students involved?

To lesser, more complacent minds, maybe. But to one OU student studying criminology, it’s all part of a bigger plan.

“They were obviously scouting. Checking for other students to join their ranks and eventually take over the university. Same thing they were doing last week at the Residence Hall celebration. That wasn’t just a zip line, that was a test,” said Brad Billings, a junior who studies conspiracy theories.

According to Billings, the fun-filled event held by the university had a much more malicious intention. Twenty-five thousand dollars was spent on the evening’s activities. With the university’s history of responsible financial decisions, it’s difficult to not suspect ulterior motives.

Billings has a history of tracking down conspirators and secret groups. Who outed Beyoncé and Jay-Z as the leaders of the Illuminati? That was this guy. Trust us, he is legit.

“You think it’s all a coincidence? The hello app, the fire alarms going off at night. We’re adults; who really burns popcorn anymore? It’s all part of their plan. They’ve invaded our phones and planted bugs in our dorms,” said Billings.

Brad claims we all should have known it was a trap. Here we were stuffing our faces with free ice cream and funnel cakes at the Residence Hall opening, eating right out of the ROTC’s hands.

“The bats at McDavis’ house, they’re trained accomplices, they’re the bat battalion. It’s the ROTC’s new secret headquarters. Haven’t you ever felt like you’re being watched leaving Alden Library late at night? It’s because you are,” Billings said.

If you look quickly enough, you might be able to catch shadows of the spies moving like ghouls behind the curtains of those dark window at the president’s former home now serving as the ROTC’s personal bat cave.

They’re always watching. Looking for the biggest and baddest of OU to join their ranks. As Billings puts it, “They want us for their army.”

No, not the real army. Like a secret army. Like Dumbledore’s Army from Harry Potter but the opposite of that. And what’s the end goal? Take over the university? Force Bobcats to run around the campus at 5 a.m. every day in a sick ritual until we’re as healthy and fit as they are? Bring back cigarettes?!?!

“I don’t really know. But I think it’s probably bad,” Billings said.       

Students have clearly had the wool pulled over their eyes once again. When asked about the possibility of an ROTC takeover, freshman Beth Reynolds said, “That doesn’t sound accurate at all. The ROTC is a hard-working group in Athens. There’s no way that’s true.”

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