Satire

AVW Newstime Comedy: McDavis Wants Gratitude for New Dorms

ATHENS, Ohio – After the completion of Phase 1 of the University’s Housing Development Plan, lucky students had the opportunity to move into the brand new dorms located on South Green. While the overall reception of the new dorms has been positive, some students complain that they’re uncomfortable with the way the administration has been handling the situation.

Steven Hudson, a sophomore living in Sowle Hall, reported to Newstime that there was a knock on his door last Monday afternoon. When he opened the door, President McDavis was smiling back at him, and politely asked to come in.

“He asked me if I liked my new dorm,” said Steven. “I said I liked it very much, and that it was way nicer than my room from last year. He told me he was glad that I liked it, and then told me he worked really hard to make sure that dorms were perfect so that everyone would be happy.”

Steven explained that McDavis stood in his doorway for over half an hour, and told him how much money went into the dorms, how he’s spent the last two years in meetings, and how he himself even helped construct the buildings in the 90 degree heat on day during the summer.

“He just sighed and stared at the wall, and then said, ‘Yeah, it sure was hard work. It was hot too. But I kept working. That’s my job, to make sure that I do everything that I can to help the students. Even if it means laying some bricks in the incredibly hot summer sun.’ And then he looked at me, as if he was waiting for me to say something. It was really awkward.”

Finally, after listening to what he described as “the worst guilt trip he’s ever heard,” Steven said he thanked President McDavis for his dorm, to which he replied, “You’re welcome,” and left.

Other students have reported similar stories, with some even saying that President McDavis implied he could have them removed from the dorm if they didn’t show him gratitude.

“He told me that there were plenty of more appreciative students that would love to live in the new dorms,” explained Sophie Thomas, a sophomore living in Carr Hall.  “He then turned away and said that he didn’t think it was that unreasonable for him to want a little thanks for the fact that he pinched his thumb while painstakingly installing the window in my room.”

Newstime’s sources confirm that, when seeing McDavis leave the new dorms, students living in older South Green dorms have shouted from their windows, “What about us, a**hole?!”

Have you or someone you know experienced something similar to these stories? Tweet your story to @AVWNewstime!

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Evan Swingle

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