Satire

AVW Newstime Comedy: Illuminati on President McDavis: “We just don’t want him”

Denver – As he throws away yet another letter from Roderick McDavis, Illuminati Councilman Herbert Rothschild says that at this point, he really wishes the OU President would “just give up already.” The balled-up stationary joins a pile of previously discarded letters from McDavis by the trash bin.

Unfortunately, as the executive Illuminati member reports, this likely won’t be the last attempt. Sources say McDavis has been sending unsolicited letters to the organization in an attempt to join their ranks for the last three years. “It’s pathetic. That isn’t even how it works!” Rothschild says. “Maybe if I respond with some BS rejection letter he’ll stop, because he certainly isn’t getting the hint.”

The enigmatic luciferian council says McDavis’ attempts were “kind of funny” at first, like when he would send in close-up pictures of the Freemason imagery on the dollar bill like it’s something only “insiders” know about, but now it’s getting old.

“If I get one more email video of him accepting the Prince of Darkness into his heart while surrounded by Hallmark candles, I’m going to cancel the New World Order,” says Franklin Astor, another of the mysterious magnates behind every war, economic crisis and natural disaster. How McDavis even got Astor’s email address remains bafflingly unclear.

Of course, the highest ranks of the Illuminati are reserved for the descendants of the original 13 founders of the Bavarian circle, but Roderick McDavis doesn’t even meet the qualifications that would make him eligible to join the lowest tiers of the hierarchy. “What does he even do…?” Rothschild wonders aloud.

Astor goes into more detail. “We just don’t see how he can help us influence the masses of consumerist sheep into doing our bidding, as much as, say, Lebron.” The clandestine group of Satan worshippers has a particular way of doing things, and they just can’t see how an overpaid small-town university figurehead would fit in. “The Brotherhood typically only works with top businessmen, government officials, professional athletes and rappers. Oh God, I hope he doesn’t send us a mixtape now.”

There are many other factors keeping McDavis from having any chance of joining the society, says the sinister collective of billionaires spearheading the plan to gain control of every human being on Earth using fear, demonic propaganda and  hypnosis until only one globalized government reigns supreme. All official members started out in the Skull and Bones Society at Harvard, for example, an item absent from McDavis’s resume.

“But what it really comes down to is he’s just kind of a jerk,” concludes Herbert Rothschild. A few of his colleagues nod in agreement.

Rothschild believes McDavis needs to stop badgering the Illuminati and focus on his students.

“You want to be Enlightened? Here you go: it is the Illuminati’s express and completely confidential opinion that it is objectively wrong to continue to endorse tuition increases on students who already can’t afford college. Support your students.

“And please, leave us alone.”

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Joe Kalavity

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