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This was supposed to be a funny list of potential executive orders that made you laugh about all of the crazy things that have happened since President Trump’s inauguration. But I guess I’m just having a hard time with all of this. Anyway, here it is. Read it if you want — or whatever.
- Trucks Are Called Bed Buggies Now
Wouldn’t that be silly? We all could have had a nice little chuckle about this joke. Maybe I could come up with other silly names for other basic things. Like bowls are called “nibble troughs” or whistles are now “squealy squawks.” But this whole Dakota Pipeline thing. Yikes. People’s water will get poisoned. That’s not funny at all. Even if sipped from a nibble trough.
- You Can’t Take NyQuil After 4 p.m. or Something Like That
Like the point was that it defeats the whole purpose of NyQuil if you can’t take it after 4 p.m.? That’s goofy, right? But now I’m so terrified by this whole repealing Obamacare thing that I just want to crawl up into a ball and eat cookie dough mixed with SpaghettiOs. Of course I wouldn’t do that, though, because I wouldn’t be able to go to the doctor for my chronic vomiting.
- You Have to Eat Dippin’ Dots for Every Meal or Whatever
OK yeah, that’s crazy, but I mean seriously, a border wall? What is he thinking? And that whole 20 percent tax on imports from Mexico thing? What is that supposed to even mean? That’s not how business works. It’s barely even how walls work. Walls only keep things out if there’s a ceiling. How much would a ceiling over America cost, Mr. Trump?
- Animals Are Outlawed, I Guess? I Don’t Know I’m Really Having a Hard Time Here
This one was going to be something like cats are allowed in houses but dogs aren’t. But there are people who are forbidden from entering the country and I’m making jokes about pets. What’s wrong with me? Families will be separated and people will be murdered with no safe haven to run to. How will we live with ourselves knowing that someone is banging on our door begging for help and we are sipping dollar sweet teas while counting our guns?
- Climate Change?
Scientists are saying this. He’s not listening to scientists. We always listen to scientists. If a scientist told me to eat cardboard because it made my shoes fit better, I’d probably do it. I’m doing it right now. It’s the only thing that comforts me.
- I Can’t Do This Anymore
I’m a toy clown who pops out of a box with the turn of a crank. Only I’m a sad clown. And Donald Trump turns the crank every time he picks up a pen. And instead of laughing I’m crying. I’m crying for the hundreds of millions of people who will suffer from this madness. Help us. Help them. Please.