Satire

AVW Newstime Comedy: 10 local tragedies the Trump administration thinks happened

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Written by AVW Newstime
1.The Boyd Baked Potato Bombing

Committed by a disgruntled and confused student worker, an unknown assailant “accidentally” overcooked a potato at Margaret’s Gluten Free Area. It is unknown if the lone wolf was attempting to attack Gluten-Free Americans residing on campus, but the damage was extreme, burning out one microwave and upsetting the head of the dining hall. The attacker is still at large today.

2.The Humans V Zombies Murder of 2014

When a local Athens’ resident was convinced the zombie apocalypse had begun, a townie took to the streets in a hijacked food truck he had armored. Todd Grendulk, 80, was apprehended by police when they realized the kids shooting back at Todd had Nerf guns. One of Todd’s shots struck a squirrel, grazing a local tree.

3. Schoonover Shootout of ’96

A historical disaster, but when the graduating class learned whoever won a Hunger Games-styled shoot out would get their diploma, Schoonover Center became the hub for catastrophe. Only one student graduated that year.

4. This Bike is a Pipe Bomb

On March 2, 2006, a student’s bike was destroyed by the OU bomb squad, after seeing a band’s sticker on the said bike. The band’s name? “This Bike is a Pipe Bomb.” The student was given money for a new bike, and all charges were dropped. However, the bomb squad’s detonation of the bike levelled another student’s bike, who wishes to remain anonymous.

5. Shively Shanking

A dispute over who got the last chicken nugget quickly ended when a freshman was shanked by a senior in line at the lunch period. The freshman’s famous last words were, “Only a senior could do something as stupid as shank someone over a chicken nugget.” Martin Fuego, 18, was honored when the grilling area was renamed to simply: Fuego.

6. The Bagel Street Bavarian Bashing of 1983

What was a friendly competition turned to an all-out brawl, as the Bavarian Competitive Eating team was assaulted by the local eating team, “The Bloated Bobcats.” Bavarian team leader, Corvank Ushinkal, said the American team was hiding pickles under their tongues to win. The American Spit Bucket Boy, Abraham Schmitt, threw the bucket at the Bavarians, starting a gang beating-styled attack. The judges later found out the American team was in fact cheating, and the idea would later be used in the infamous Spongebob episode.

Not the one where Squidward’s toenail got ripped out.

That was f***ed.

7. Halloween murders that take place every year

You guys do realize the one dude in the red, black, and white mask is actually a mass murder, right? That guy we keep nominating for best horror movie cliché is an actual killer. Did the OUPD or Campus not background check this guy or anything? He literally murders the same type of people each time: blonde white chicks. We lose like 1/3rd of the campus to him!

8. The f******… this is just crazy right?

We know that this massacre was just a xenophobic ploy to get the country’s Trump supporters to believe the media is lying to us? Like this is actually a frightening concept?

9. I am so f****** scared to be alive in America in 2017

How the f*** did we let this guy get into office? He’s going to sell us over to the Russians and like, I’m just white, imagine having to be a Muslim American with Trump in office?

10.The f****** white guys that like spray paint racist s*** / assault girls sexually / attack people on campus because they believe that Trump is just a confirmation that they are right like always.

This isn’t me being anti-white or reverse racist, this is me stating facts. Like how many shootings in America were committed by white guys? And how many times did republicans go quiet when they heard that a white guy shot up a place? And why do they always label them as a f******lone wolf or mentally ill? Stop dumping the problems of America on the mentally ill. And stop normalizing the idea that these guys have no consequences to their actions, because that’s what you did by electing Trump.

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