Home Satire AVW Newstime Comedy: Office of Admissions decides to take the year off

AVW Newstime Comedy: Office of Admissions decides to take the year off

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After 10 straight years of record-breaking freshman admissions, the Ohio University Office of Admissions has announced that it will be taking some time off. In a press statement written in chalk on Morton Hill, the office stated it is “taking the year off from accepting any and all new freshman, transfer or graduate students.”

“After a decade of stellar admission numbers and year after year of breaking records, we just need some time off,” David Newman, head of admissions, said. “We’re so tired and stressed, and I think we all need a vacation … like, a yearlong vacation. Preferably somewhere tropical like Hawaii, Fiji or Iowa.

“We just need some time to meditate and focus inward,” Newman said in the statement. “Ask ourselves: ‘Who’s the real Office of Admissions?’ Also, we really need to catch up on our TV shows. I’m only on season four of “Lost,” and I gotta know how it all ends. It’s probably going to be pretty awesome.”

This bizarre announcement received mostly positive responses from students and faculty alike.

“Good riddance,” proclaimed junior Anthony Roland. “Freshmen are the worst. Always walking so slow, clogging up the the dining hall, asking about the giant alligators that lurk around South Green, screaming every time they nip at their ankles. Ugg, so annoying. A year without them is music to my ears.”

Art history professor Sarah Larson also agreed.

“Honestly, freshmen students are a pain to deal with,” she argued. “They are noisy, ask too many questions and don’t understand the difference between ‘reply all’ and ‘reply to sender.’

“But the worst part is that they can never tell the difference between Baroque and Rococo style,” she said.

She then launched into a well-prepared speech on how “kids these days just don’t appreciate Jean-Honoré Fragonard anymore.” Our reporters weren’t able to record all of it because they fell asleep around the time she started ranting about how “Louis-Michel van Loo was so overrated.”

While it is nice to see people from across the university coming together in universal loathing toward freshmen, the Office of Admissions’ sudden leave of absence does raise some important questions: How will this affect the school financially? Who are the bookstores going to sell ridiculously overpriced books? Is this even legal? And what is the university going to do about the vicious alligators that have been terrorizing South Green for the past five years?

Thankfully, the Office of Admissions is holding a forum to answer these questions (except maybe the one about the giant alligators) and more.

But for now, it looks like we won’t be seeing a freshman Class of 2021 next year — which in my opinion is a good thing because Class of 2021 is a real mouthful to say. Seriously, try saying “Class of 2021” five times fast. Class of 2021. Class of 2021. Class of 2021. Class of 2021. Class of 2021. See? It’s a real tongue twister.

The forum will be held on Oct. 11 at 3:15 a.m. in the parking garage under Nelson.

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