Home Satire AVW Newstime Comedy: OU cross country team recruits drunken marathon runner after epic police chase

AVW Newstime Comedy: OU cross country team recruits drunken marathon runner after epic police chase

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Athens, Ohio – Weeks ago, OUPD reported the discovery of an intoxicated student laying facedown on the sidewalk at the corner of Union and College Streets.

After the officers interrupted his slumber, the student began to run. However, the police chase ended abruptly when the student was no longer able to maintain his balance and long strides. The runner was then arrested for underage consumption and moved to the Southeastern Ohio Regional Jail, where he stayed until sober.

“Man, that guy is my hero. I saw him running down the street with like, seven cops chasing him. My friends and I started cheering for him before he went down. It was so epic, like we were on an episode of Cops,” freshman Jake Blunt, an eyewitness, told Newstime.

Once word got out about this chase, Ohio University’s cross country team immediately took notice.

“We need this guy on our team as our next distance runner. He would be a great asset,” Ben Jones, a junior on the team, said.

“Well, the student’s obviously gifted. I mean, I know for a fact that half my team can’t even walk when they are intoxicated. Hell, the other half can’t even walk when they’re sober. So having a player who can run while sober and under the influence would be of great value to our team,” Coach Calkins said when Newstime questioned him about the student’s possible recruitment.

“I don’t think this student will have any weaknesses. As for him slowing down and losing his balance during the chase, that was obviously due to low-carb loading.”

When asked if the student was actually contemplating joining the team, Calkins said, “Well, he better. We already ordered three kegs and a police suit for his training.”

The cross country team’s next meet is Oct. 2 in Cedarville, Ohio, at 3 p.m.

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