Home Opinion Satire AVW Newstime Comedy: OU versus OSU “rivalry” rages on

AVW Newstime Comedy: OU versus OSU “rivalry” rages on

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As the first weekend of college football draws to a close, the feeling of football season has been rejuvenated in the hearts of all Bobcats far and wide. But with that feeling comes the memory of rivalry. Number one on the rivalry list is obvious: Miami University of Ohio. But there is another one that Bobcats have decided to add to their list: the Ohio State Buckeyes.

Each year at Freshman Convocation, President Roderick McDavis hammers this rivalry hard into the hearts of the brand new bobkittens saying, “If I walk up to you on any given day, I should be able to make a nice, clean slice down your arm and watch that white and green drip from your fingertips and cover the floor.”

According to Jason Kern, a sophomore from central Ohio, he was once attacked on Mill Street one night while wearing an OSU jersey.

“I was just walking down Mill Street one night last year trying to get to a friends house,” Jason said. “The streets were filled with people and all of the sudden I could see a man running at me on all fours. He then leaped off the sidewalk and tackled me into the middle of the street sinking his teeth into my neck. Then, he ripped of my shirt, took a lighter to it and ran down the street screaming, ‘I bet Buckeyes can’t do that b****!’”

When Jason reported the incident to a police officer, the officer simply shrugged and said, “You brought it on yourself kid. I would’ve done the same thing.” The officer then joined the attacker in his flaming run down the street.

Other students, mostly freshman, have reported similar incidents claiming that upperclassmen and even teachers have chastised them for supporting a team that doesn’t even play in the same conference as OU.

“My biology teacher made me go home and change out of my OSU shirt because she said is was distracting the class,” said freshman Lauren Johnson. “It wasn’t even a real OSU shirt; it just happened to be red.”

The hate doesn’t fall exclusively on OSU either. Newstime sources confirm seeing a freshman boy being forcibly stripped of his Kent State t-shirt by OU alumni during the Marshall game this past weekend. Sources have also reported that a girl, who was wearing a University of Cincinnati hoodie, was sentenced by President McDavis to live for one week in his bat-infested house so she could “think about the hurt she had caused.”

When asked to comment on the rivalry, Jeremy Fisher, a sophomore at OSU, stated, “Who sent you here? You’re from Michigan, aren’t you? F*** you.”

 

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